The other day my mom sent me a job posting for a “Fashion Maven”. The description began with “Are you a Fashion Maven? Watch every episode of Project Runway, LOVE to get dressed up, express yourself through fashion & have an eye for the Red Carpet? We are searching for retail sales associates that can provide the ultimate "princess" shopping experience for our amazing customers!!!” It immediately caught my eye and got me excited. The description went on to get even better so I wrote my mom back and our conversation continues as follows:
ME: This looks pretty awesome. I am sure they will have a million people apply but I think I will anyway!
MOM: really???!!!!! I thought it was so "you" but I thought you'd write back...."I'm NOT working for anyone else but me!" cool!!! ohhhhhh, and your welcome! :p
ME: hahah oh thanks! I mean I’m willing to have a boss if it’s something fun and cool like this. unless they are a troll. hmmmm good possibility they could be, maybe I should stick to working for myself.
MOM: so what were all those weird symbols on your blog about? (see here for the blog she is talking about)
ME: you don't get it. If they write you notes to do something and you can’t understand what the hell they wrote then write back to them in "code".
MOM: It's official....I'm retarded.......
MOM: oh and I really should stop emailing you so that they don't end up on blogs like xtina did!
ME: hahaha I was actually going to put this email on my next blog ghfdjhjdhdkjghsdk
MOM: Dying!
(she then asks again what the symbols were on my blog in a separate email)
ME: omg you imbasol. If my boss wrote me a note i usually couldn’t read it, it was like it was written in code. So I was saying, Write a note back to your boss in your own code so they cannot read it either and you can write your code like this: and there is the pic. So for A you would use that symbol. Get it?!!
MOM: Am I an Imbasol (you're a bad speller) or just a retard? Or maybe I'm just REALLY confused..NO WAIT!!!! HOLD THE PRESS!!! I'm a muttonhead!!! my fav word ever!!!! (ps I better not find this on your blog. I know where you live....just say'in....)
im·be·cile
noun
1. Informal . a dunce; blockhead; dolt.
re·tard
verb (used with object)
1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (anaction, process, etc.); hinder or impede.
con·fuse
verb (used with object), -fused, -fus·ing.
1. to perplex or bewilder: The flood of questions confused me.
mut·ton·head
noun Informal .
1. a slow-witted, foolish, or stupid person; dolt.
MOM: ok...so the word "dolt" was under the word imbecile. Wasn't sure what a "dolt" is so I thought I'd check...
dolt
noun
a dull, stupid person; blockhead.
Use: "Nicole...you can be such a dolt sometimes!" hahahahaha
ME: I’m dying! this shit is so getting posted! I actually sat there for about 5 mins trying to figure out how to spell imbecile and couldn’t so I just phonetically spelled it.
MOM: NOOOOOOOOO I "WILL" hurt you!!!!!
(no response from me)
MOM: What will happen to you if you publish this! I'm sure Xtina (aka My most favoritest niece in the whole world) can get me a sentence better than "life w/o the possibility of parole"
mur·der
noun
1.Law . the killing of another human being under conditions specifically covered in law. In the U.S., special statutory definitions include murder committed with maliceaforethought, characterized by deliberation or premeditationor occurring during the commission of another serious crime,as robbery or arson (first-degree murder), and murder by intent but without deliberation or premeditation (second-degree murder).
(still no response from me)
MOM again: ok...WAIT.....forget the murder thingy...I don't think I'll do well in prison. Use this verb instead.............you will no longer be an heir. In other words, your "princess" status will never make it to "queen" like me....you will be a pauper your whole life, and I know you really really well........and you will NOT like it!! And just in case you're being a dolt today, I have included the definition for the word pauper. Thx
dis·own
verb (used with object)
to refuse to acknowledge as belonging or pertaining to oneself;deny the ownership of or responsibility for; repudiate; renounce:to disown one's heirs; to disown a published statement.
pau·per
noun
1.a person without any means of support, especially adestitute person who depends on aid from public welfarefunds or charity.
2. a very poor person.
(still no response from me)
MOM AGAIN: ok, since you're not replying to me anymore on this email chain it's probably because you have a
life
And since apparently I do not if I have THIS much time on my hands, I'm going to get dressed & go out now, so I too can have a "life." OK, not really...I'm just going out cause I'm STARVING!!! That is what is really happening.. so I guess I will just continue to live vicariously through you.
Love, mom
vi·car·i·ous
s] taking the place of another person or thing; acting or serving as a substitute.
PS there is a great app "ABC check" had you had this app, you could have started typing in the word imbecile and the correct spelling for the word would have popped up, because it is a very smart app and knows that you were probably raised on "hooked on phonics" so they made it for you. :p
Enjoy the rest of your day...I'm sure you're out frolicking in the in the sunshine since you have a LIFE. bye now..............
hahahaha OMG Coley...this is actually pretty hilarious!!! :) mom
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