10 Reasons I Don't Miss My Job

10. I don’t miss having to be at work at 8am. I have never been a morning person and having to get up 5 days a week at 7am was torture for me. Every morning I literally had to pry my eyelids open, roll my limp body off the most comfortable bed ever, stumble to the bathroom with one eye open due to the brightness of the lights and somehow make myself look presentable.

9. Taking the Streetcar (light-rail) every morning and evening. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE not driving and being a public transient, but to have to deal with the mass public whom I already don’t do well with, as early as 7:45am when I still haven’t had caffeine and at 5:10pm when I am ready to rip my hair out due to the annoying turn of events of the work day, is not enjoyable.

8. Being bored at work. Yes it has its advantages such as: shopping for 8 hours a day (somewhat a danger for my pocket $$$, but a great danger), helping my simpy cousins figure out directions or how to use a PDF, practicing sleeping sitting straight up, writing my to-do list for the evening, pondering life, writing funny family email chains, planning and putting together Christmas stuff (in March), and figuring out if I should be a banana or a slinky dog for Halloween.  But, I promise you, it can get old and tiring. I mean there is only so many times I can read Perez Hilton in one hour and keep checking to see if the Jessica Simpson shoes I want went on sale.

7. My computer never worked. I had gone through 3 computers in 3.5 years. Technology does not like me at all. It was always freezing, crashing, completely blacking out, and flipping me the bird. I don’t know what I did to deserve technology to treat me this way but it does. Including the printer, ooooooohhh how I hated the printer and secretly planned its ultimate death every day so we can get a new one. It never worked when I truly need it to. I would be in a rush, and what do you know, wouldn’t work. I had all the time in the world, what do you know, worked like a champ. Usually by the end of a technology problemed day, I was missing eyelashes due to pulling them out one by one and was foaming at the mouth.

6. The women’s restroom, dayyyum girls can be nasty. Nough said.

5.Having to sit in the lunch room and listen to a bunch of older guys talk about sports (particularly college football which I dislike very much), try to be cool and talk about new clubs, talk about their kids (ugh sooooo boring), talk about their college days and drinking (always exaggerated) and the NEWS (yuck!).

4. Gossip. I was by far one of the youngest people in my office. Average age there was about 45 and these “adults” gossip ALL day long. I swear I thought I was back in high school, actually, I believe they might gossip more than high schoolers. They  gossip about who’s hair looks bad, who’s about to get fired (that was interesting), who is secretly dating who, whose lunch got stolen, and just plain random stuff. Not for me, I had about 2 friends there and I like it that way. I was in and out and didn’t deal with anyone’s crap.

3. My other boss. There were 4 of us on a team, 2 senior brokers, 1 junior broker and me, the marketing person. The other senior boss was Ann who was a great person but the worst person in the entire world to work for. She has the communication skills of a second grader. I constantly had to ask her dumb questions because she could not communicate to me what she wanted, so then I sounded like the idiot asking her a question that should be obvious but isn’t because she talks in code. She writes in her own code and talks in her own code, which I got down to a science pretty well, but it is so draining I stopped decoding her messages and just went back to asking dumb questions.

2. Sitting for 8 hours a day. I wanted to kill myself. I have always been a very energetic and athletic person, so sitting down for 8 hours a day drove me nuts both physically and mentally. By the end of the day I usually had a bad case of Crazy Legs. My body couldn’t help but begin to twitch, tighten its muscles and start kicking without my permission. At this point I would usually have to get up and do a lap around the office before I karate kicked into the cube next to me. I hated feeling like a blob all day, have numb-ass, stuck in the same uncomfortable non-ergonomic position all day.

1. My boss farting all day. He can pass gas at any moment in time from 8am till 5pm, usually every hour or more. I don’t know how it’s possible for a human to fart this much. The funniest part about it all is that he is so deaf, he doesn’t think we can hear his little pellet farts. Sometimes I hear him fart from half way down the hall while talking to a co-worker, probably thinking that person standing 2 feet from him can’t hear it because he can’t. If we called him out on a fart, he would blame it on his squeaky chair (not squeaky, its new) or a floor board (we have carpet) or sometimes if he was in a funny mood he would blame it Ann. His flatulence is pretty out of control but for the most part entertaining. My favorite story was one early morning, he walks over to the junior broker (who is also his nephew) to talk to him about something and in the middle of their conversation we hear him let loose. This particular one sounded a little funny so I look over only to see my boss frozen with a funny look on his face. I then see him bolt to the little boys room with a janky little limp in his step. Yep, about 99% he sharted. My coworker and I look at each other and started crying in tears we were laughing so hard. Oh the good and the bad of a flatulent boss.