Boooooooo!

People who know me well know I LOVE to scare people. It’s a sick obsession I have that I gain a lot of pleasure from. It started as long ago as I can remember. As a wee little lad I was always finding new hiding places and planning someone’s ultimate pants wetting experience. I find it side wrenchingly hilarious when people are scared. Someone’s natural reaction upon being truly scared for their life is always different. You never know what kind of reaction you will get from someone (unless you scare that person all the time like I do to my boyfriend). Some people cry, some throw punches, some pee their pants, some have a brief stint of short breaths, some start laughing immediately after, some get very mad and some are just like deer in headlights.

The biggest targets I have scared multiple times are my mom, my brother, my two cousins and the #1 target, my boyfriend.

I would like to share with you some short stories of my best scaring moments:

When we were younger my brother never made his bed (probably still doesn’t but I don’t either (sorry dad)). His bed was up against the wall in a corner of his room and he would always just push the covers over to the side where the wall was when he got up in the morning. One day, I had the genius idea to hide under the bunchy part of the covers so when he got in the bed at night to go to sleep I would pop out from inside the blankets. That night I did just that! After scaring him he cried and was angry (probably more scared though, that was a good one). My mom was trying to sooth him but was also secretly laughing because she was in on it and knew what I was doing. Evil mother! 

Another classic brother scaring story is when his best friend Chris was coming over to spend the night (which was the usual, he pretty much lived at our house). For some totally normal reason I had a black ski mask and had the idea to crawl onto our roof (also a totally normal, we hung out on the roof all the time), put on the ski mask and tap on his window with a golf club. I know pretty extreme, but was an amazing scare.

One summer when I was younger my mom sent me to my nana’s house in Florida to stay a month with her. During that month I scared my poor grandma many times. My favorite spot was under the bar top in the kitchen. I would scare her as she was walking from the kitchen to her room. I got her every time even though she knew I would be there! She would then yell, “Your going to give me a heart attack gosh darn it!” and I would laugh and proceed to scare her time after time. Poor nana probably jumped for months after thinking I would still be there.

One random summer evening at dusk me and my two cousins decided to watch Scary Movie at home in the TV room at their house. Melissa and I had seen the movie already, Christina had not. We put in motion a plan of attack. Since we knew when all the scary parts were we decided we would have Melissa casually walk out of the room, go to the outside of the house, and BANG on the window when the scary part came. Brilliant. The scary part came and Christina’s back was right up against the window, *BANG*!!! Let’s just say Christina was in my lap on the couch next to her in 0.02 seconds.

One of my scaring specialties is finding a random unplanned great moment to scare people. About a month ago my mom was over at my house and we were going to go out to do something. I was in my room getting dressed and she was in the living room telling me a story. Since she was the one talking I could tell where she was at any given moment. (At this point I wasn’t even thinking about scaring her.) I was coming around the corner about to walk into the living room when it just so happened I could hear her about to come into my room from the living room. I immediately without hesitation or thinking yelled “RRRAAAAWWWWW!!”.  I then slightly lost my hearing from the blood curdling scream that came next. I for sure thought the neighbors would come over thinking I was murdered. (They didn’t, good thing to know in case someone actually breaks into my apartment to murder me.)

On to the best part, my poor boyfriend Oliver. Since we live together I get opportunities every day to scare him. Luckily I am nice and only scare him about once a week. One of my favorite scaring moments was when he was on his computer in our den. I know that he gets super zoned into his computer which is a great time to get him good. Problem is, the computer faces the rest of the apartment, he doesn’t face a wall so I can just creepy up behind him. I decided to slowly army crawl (I am literally on my stomach,  inch by inch, limb by limb crawling) toward him. Once I got close enough I grabbed his legs and yelled “RRRRRAAAWWWW”!! He just about shit his pants and flew out of his seat almost knocking over the computer and wetting his pants.

Another great time I scared him while he was on the computer was when I was too lazy to army crawl so I decided to slowly crawl on all fours, verrrrry verrrrry slowly. I must have been moving slightly too fast because he looked up and saw me, but to my delight he screamed out loud and threw his body back a foot. He told me he thought I was a devil rat baby as pictured below. 

I scare Oliver everywhere, when he’s in the shower, when he’s taking a cat nap, I hide in the closet, in the kitchen cupboards, behind the couch, in his closet, anywhere and anyhow I scare him. I am in tears right now I can barely see the screen I am laughing so hard remembering all of these good times I have scared him. Does this make me evil? I didn’t think so. It just makes me an extreme human to go to these extents to gain personal pleasure.

The only thing I regret is not videotaping most of these masterpieces. I could have a great video collage going right now or maybe my own TV show about my adventures while scaring people.

Sometimes I blow a scare though by beginning to laugh uncontrollably while waiting in a scare position by simply imagining in my head what their reaction will be two seconds from that moment when I scare them.

Well, that’s all for now. If I have scared you, feel free to leave a comment on how great I was! I am actually shocked no one has sent in a submission to scare me back on the show Scare Tactics, oh how I love that show. I could watch it for hours!

And P.S. I wouldn’t even try to scare me if I were you, people try to scare me back all the time and I usually don’t even flinch. If you get a flinch from me you are lucky.