Boooooooo!

People who know me well know I LOVE to scare people. It’s a sick obsession I have that I gain a lot of pleasure from. It started as long ago as I can remember. As a wee little lad I was always finding new hiding places and planning someone’s ultimate pants wetting experience. I find it side wrenchingly hilarious when people are scared. Someone’s natural reaction upon being truly scared for their life is always different. You never know what kind of reaction you will get from someone (unless you scare that person all the time like I do to my boyfriend). Some people cry, some throw punches, some pee their pants, some have a brief stint of short breaths, some start laughing immediately after, some get very mad and some are just like deer in headlights.

The biggest targets I have scared multiple times are my mom, my brother, my two cousins and the #1 target, my boyfriend.

I would like to share with you some short stories of my best scaring moments:

When we were younger my brother never made his bed (probably still doesn’t but I don’t either (sorry dad)). His bed was up against the wall in a corner of his room and he would always just push the covers over to the side where the wall was when he got up in the morning. One day, I had the genius idea to hide under the bunchy part of the covers so when he got in the bed at night to go to sleep I would pop out from inside the blankets. That night I did just that! After scaring him he cried and was angry (probably more scared though, that was a good one). My mom was trying to sooth him but was also secretly laughing because she was in on it and knew what I was doing. Evil mother! 

Another classic brother scaring story is when his best friend Chris was coming over to spend the night (which was the usual, he pretty much lived at our house). For some totally normal reason I had a black ski mask and had the idea to crawl onto our roof (also a totally normal, we hung out on the roof all the time), put on the ski mask and tap on his window with a golf club. I know pretty extreme, but was an amazing scare.

One summer when I was younger my mom sent me to my nana’s house in Florida to stay a month with her. During that month I scared my poor grandma many times. My favorite spot was under the bar top in the kitchen. I would scare her as she was walking from the kitchen to her room. I got her every time even though she knew I would be there! She would then yell, “Your going to give me a heart attack gosh darn it!” and I would laugh and proceed to scare her time after time. Poor nana probably jumped for months after thinking I would still be there.

One random summer evening at dusk me and my two cousins decided to watch Scary Movie at home in the TV room at their house. Melissa and I had seen the movie already, Christina had not. We put in motion a plan of attack. Since we knew when all the scary parts were we decided we would have Melissa casually walk out of the room, go to the outside of the house, and BANG on the window when the scary part came. Brilliant. The scary part came and Christina’s back was right up against the window, *BANG*!!! Let’s just say Christina was in my lap on the couch next to her in 0.02 seconds.

One of my scaring specialties is finding a random unplanned great moment to scare people. About a month ago my mom was over at my house and we were going to go out to do something. I was in my room getting dressed and she was in the living room telling me a story. Since she was the one talking I could tell where she was at any given moment. (At this point I wasn’t even thinking about scaring her.) I was coming around the corner about to walk into the living room when it just so happened I could hear her about to come into my room from the living room. I immediately without hesitation or thinking yelled “RRRAAAAWWWWW!!”.  I then slightly lost my hearing from the blood curdling scream that came next. I for sure thought the neighbors would come over thinking I was murdered. (They didn’t, good thing to know in case someone actually breaks into my apartment to murder me.)

On to the best part, my poor boyfriend Oliver. Since we live together I get opportunities every day to scare him. Luckily I am nice and only scare him about once a week. One of my favorite scaring moments was when he was on his computer in our den. I know that he gets super zoned into his computer which is a great time to get him good. Problem is, the computer faces the rest of the apartment, he doesn’t face a wall so I can just creepy up behind him. I decided to slowly army crawl (I am literally on my stomach,  inch by inch, limb by limb crawling) toward him. Once I got close enough I grabbed his legs and yelled “RRRRRAAAWWWW”!! He just about shit his pants and flew out of his seat almost knocking over the computer and wetting his pants.

Another great time I scared him while he was on the computer was when I was too lazy to army crawl so I decided to slowly crawl on all fours, verrrrry verrrrry slowly. I must have been moving slightly too fast because he looked up and saw me, but to my delight he screamed out loud and threw his body back a foot. He told me he thought I was a devil rat baby as pictured below. 

I scare Oliver everywhere, when he’s in the shower, when he’s taking a cat nap, I hide in the closet, in the kitchen cupboards, behind the couch, in his closet, anywhere and anyhow I scare him. I am in tears right now I can barely see the screen I am laughing so hard remembering all of these good times I have scared him. Does this make me evil? I didn’t think so. It just makes me an extreme human to go to these extents to gain personal pleasure.

The only thing I regret is not videotaping most of these masterpieces. I could have a great video collage going right now or maybe my own TV show about my adventures while scaring people.

Sometimes I blow a scare though by beginning to laugh uncontrollably while waiting in a scare position by simply imagining in my head what their reaction will be two seconds from that moment when I scare them.

Well, that’s all for now. If I have scared you, feel free to leave a comment on how great I was! I am actually shocked no one has sent in a submission to scare me back on the show Scare Tactics, oh how I love that show. I could watch it for hours!

And P.S. I wouldn’t even try to scare me if I were you, people try to scare me back all the time and I usually don’t even flinch. If you get a flinch from me you are lucky.

Spiders Scare Me!

Guilty Pleasure

One guilty pleasure I have is having a stare down with babies or small children. I somehow always find myself looking over at any given moment while in public and see a creature (aka children and babies) staring at me, so what do I do….I stare right back at them until one of us looks away first or cracks a smile first. First off, I am really good at not smiling. I can hold back a laugh pretty good (unless it’s my cousins doing their quasi-moto impression or doing their “ugliest face in the world” look, I cave).

The best thing about have a stare down with one of these creatures is it’s funny to see their reactions once we begin the stare down game. 

• Some of them are simply surprised, their eyes get huge and most likely poop their diapers because they don’t know what to do.

• Some of them love it and stare right back until their parental units begin shoving food in their face, yelling at them for no reason or just plain annoy the kid into look away.

• Some of them start crying.

• Some of them give me the evil eye and wink at me with their creepy beady little eyes where I then proceed to poop my pants and immediately have daymares about them murdering me. See example below:

• Some of them tell their mom there is a weird girl staring at them, then the moment gets real awkward when the parent turns to me and sees me in action still staring at the creature.

• Some of them look away immediately.

• Some of them have no expressions so I then ponder to myself, “what are they thinking at this exact moment in time. Are their little brains thinking ‘weeeeeeeee this is fun lalalalal’, are they thinking, ‘I just peed’, are they thinking, ‘I shall name my next stuffed animal Bootscrap’ or are they thinking ‘(nothing)’.”

• Some of them laugh and try to look all cute and want to play until they see I am in it to win it and my facial expression does not budge from the seriousness of this game.

• Some of them just simply look over and probably think to themselves, ‘this lady is funny looking, she must be staring at my ridiculously good looks’.

• Some of them try to get me to crack and make funny/scary faces at me. (I cracked once)

• Some of them just look at me with a blank glazed over stare in their eyes and I can tell they are very good at this game and are also in it to win it.

• Sometimes I like to throw in a curve ball and stick my tongue out at them and see what happens. (whoa, I had no idea how to spell tongue until right now when my spell check lit up the word with bright red squigglies.)

You should try a stare down with a creature at least once in your life, I promise, it’s pretty entertaining. You just might get a large chuckle out of it or have a new best friend.

DISCLAIMER: Never play the stare down game with a babe animal, YOU WILL LOSE.    

 Baby Sloth!!

Killing the Enemy

The other day was one of the scariest moments of my life and it happened twice. Anyone who knows me knows I hate spiders, probably more than any other animal in the world. In reality its pretty crazy how someone can be as scare as I am of a little thing that I am 100 times bigger than, but they gross me out and scare me. 

My first run-in with a spider and me was about a little over week ago, I was walking from my bathroom to go into my living room and saw something huge moving toward me on the floor. To my horror it was a huge spider and a brownish color. I immediately started sweating and didn’t know what to do because I was the only one home. It was too big to let run around my house, so I knew I had to kill it somehow. I grabbed a shoe and after a few minutes worked up the courage to hit it. *bam* missed, *bam* got half of it (I’m in tears at this point), it’s still squirming half dead, so I then grabbed the vacuum and tried to suck it up but had to use the hose. That was scary too because I knew my hand would have to get closer to the spider than I am comfortable with. I finally got the sucker, yet for a few hours after I still had goose bumps and was traumatized. After I told this to my friend Sara in my building, she laughed and felt bad that I had to do that and told me I could call her anytime and should would kill them for me!! So awesome right?! 

Well a few days after that spider incident, I am chillin in my living room at 1:30am watching some TV and I see something run across my living floor. I have to give it to the spider, it was pretty smart. It was booking it to my back door trying to head outside but it wasn’t smart enough to make the 2 inch trek up the lip of the door to actually make it outside, soooooo I had to kill it somehow since it was now headed for my couch. I thought first, let me text Sara, she could still be up. No response, crap! What do I do now? I grabbed the vacuum again and started trying to run it over, it was in a corner so I could not get it to. I am mad at this point and still freaking out and just want it to go away. I then bust out the hose extension to suck it up, but obviously I couldn’t get my hand that close to it, I mean what if something happened and it came flying at me. So I threw the hose down near it and pushed it towards my enemy from a far. Took a while and finally got it and left the vacuum running for a bit just in case. My vacuum is still sitting in the corner where I left it a few days ago after the spiders death. Guess it’s time to put it away. Ugh still gives me the heebie geebies thinking about it.

 P.S. I couldn't even include a picture in this post that's how creeped out I get. Yuck!