Office Troll

 

 

 

 

Smart Mom, Bored Mom, Random Mom

The other day my mom sent me a job posting for a “Fashion Maven”. The description began with “Are you a Fashion Maven? Watch every episode of Project Runway, LOVE to get dressed up, express yourself through fashion & have an eye for the Red Carpet? We are searching for retail sales associates that can provide the ultimate "princess" shopping experience for our amazing customers!!!” It immediately caught my eye and got me excited. The description went on to get even better so I wrote my mom back and our conversation continues as follows:

ME: This looks pretty awesome. I am sure they will have a million people apply but I think I will anyway!

MOM: really???!!!!! I thought it was so "you" but I thought you'd write back...."I'm NOT working for anyone else but me!" cool!!! ohhhhhh, and your welcome! :p

ME: hahah oh thanks! I mean I’m willing to have a boss if it’s something fun and cool like this. unless they are a troll. hmmmm good possibility they could be, maybe I should stick to working for myself.

MOM: so what were all those weird symbols on your blog about? (see here for the blog she is talking about)

ME: you don't get it. If they write you notes to do something and you can’t understand what the hell they wrote then write back to them in "code".

MOM: It's official....I'm retarded.......

MOM: oh and I really should stop emailing you so that they don't end up on blogs like xtina did!

ME: hahaha I was actually going to put this email on my next blog ghfdjhjdhdkjghsdk

MOM: Dying!

(she then asks again what the symbols were on my blog in a separate email)

ME: omg you imbasol. If my boss wrote me a note i usually couldn’t read it, it was like it was written in code. So I was saying, Write a note back to your boss in your own code so they cannot read it either and you can write your code like this: and there is the pic. So for A you would use that symbol. Get it?!!

MOM: Am I an Imbasol (you're a bad speller) or just a retard?  Or maybe I'm just REALLY confused..NO WAIT!!!! HOLD THE PRESS!!!  I'm a muttonhead!!! my fav word ever!!!!  (ps I better not find this on your blog. I know where you live....just say'in....)

im·be·cile

   [im-buh-sil, -suh-l]

noun

1. Informal . a dunce; blockhead; dolt.

re·tard

   [ri-tahrd, for 1–3, 5; ree-tahrd for 4]

verb (used with object)

1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (anaction, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

con·fuse

   [kuhn-fyooz] 

verb (used with object), -fused, -fus·ing.

1. to perplex or bewilder: The flood of questions confused me.

mut·ton·head

   [muht-n-hed] 

noun Informal .

1. a slow-witted, foolish, or stupid person; dolt.

MOM: ok...so the word "dolt" was under the word imbecile.  Wasn't sure what a "dolt" is so I thought I'd check...

dolt

   [dohlt] 

noun

a dull, stupid person; blockhead.

Use: "Nicole...you can be such a dolt sometimes!" hahahahaha

ME: I’m dying! this shit is so getting posted! I actually sat there for about 5 mins trying to figure out how to spell imbecile and couldn’t so I just phonetically spelled it.

MOM: NOOOOOOOOO I "WILL" hurt you!!!!! 

(no response from me)

MOM: What will happen to you if you publish this! I'm sure Xtina (aka My most favoritest niece in the whole world) can get me a sentence better than "life w/o the possibility of parole" 

mur·der

   [mur-der] 

noun

1.Law . the killing of another human being under conditions specifically covered in law. In the U.S., special statutory definitions include murder committed with maliceaforethought, characterized by deliberation or premeditationor occurring during the commission of another serious crime,as robbery or arson (first-degree murder),  and murder by intent but without deliberation or premeditation (second-degree murder).

(still no response from me)

MOM again: ok...WAIT.....forget the murder thingy...I don't think I'll do well in prison.  Use this verb instead.............you will no longer be an heir.  In other words, your "princess" status will never make it to "queen" like me....you will be a pauper your whole life, and I know you really really well........and you will NOT like it!!  And just in case you're being a dolt today, I have included the definition for the word pauper. Thx

dis·own

   [dis-ohn] 

verb (used with object)

to refuse to acknowledge as belonging or pertaining to oneself;deny the ownership of or responsibility for; repudiate; renounce:to disown one's heirs; to disown a published statement.

pau·per

   [paw-per] 

noun

1.a person without any means of support, especially adestitute person who depends on aid from public welfarefunds or charity.

2. a very poor person.

(still no response from me)  

MOM AGAIN: ok, since you're not replying to me anymore on this email chain it's probably because you have a 

life

   [lahyf]  noun, plural lives  [lahyvz]  adjective

And since apparently I do not if I have THIS much time on my hands, I'm going to get dressed & go out now, so I too can have a "life."  OK, not really...I'm just going out cause I'm STARVING!!!  That is what is really happening.. so I guess I will just continue to live vicariously through you. 

Love, mom

vi·car·i·ous

   [vahy-kair-ee-uhs]  

taking the place of another person or thing; acting or serving as a substitute.

PS there is a great app "ABC check" had you had this app, you could have started typing in the word imbecile and the correct spelling for the word would have popped up, because it is a very smart app and knows that you were probably raised on "hooked on phonics" so they made it for you. :p

Enjoy the rest of your day...I'm sure you're out frolicking in the in the sunshine since you have a LIFE.  bye now..............

Me Singing The Lion King

Guilty Pleasure

One guilty pleasure I have is having a stare down with babies or small children. I somehow always find myself looking over at any given moment while in public and see a creature (aka children and babies) staring at me, so what do I do….I stare right back at them until one of us looks away first or cracks a smile first. First off, I am really good at not smiling. I can hold back a laugh pretty good (unless it’s my cousins doing their quasi-moto impression or doing their “ugliest face in the world” look, I cave).

The best thing about have a stare down with one of these creatures is it’s funny to see their reactions once we begin the stare down game. 

• Some of them are simply surprised, their eyes get huge and most likely poop their diapers because they don’t know what to do.

• Some of them love it and stare right back until their parental units begin shoving food in their face, yelling at them for no reason or just plain annoy the kid into look away.

• Some of them start crying.

• Some of them give me the evil eye and wink at me with their creepy beady little eyes where I then proceed to poop my pants and immediately have daymares about them murdering me. See example below:

• Some of them tell their mom there is a weird girl staring at them, then the moment gets real awkward when the parent turns to me and sees me in action still staring at the creature.

• Some of them look away immediately.

• Some of them have no expressions so I then ponder to myself, “what are they thinking at this exact moment in time. Are their little brains thinking ‘weeeeeeeee this is fun lalalalal’, are they thinking, ‘I just peed’, are they thinking, ‘I shall name my next stuffed animal Bootscrap’ or are they thinking ‘(nothing)’.”

• Some of them laugh and try to look all cute and want to play until they see I am in it to win it and my facial expression does not budge from the seriousness of this game.

• Some of them just simply look over and probably think to themselves, ‘this lady is funny looking, she must be staring at my ridiculously good looks’.

• Some of them try to get me to crack and make funny/scary faces at me. (I cracked once)

• Some of them just look at me with a blank glazed over stare in their eyes and I can tell they are very good at this game and are also in it to win it.

• Sometimes I like to throw in a curve ball and stick my tongue out at them and see what happens. (whoa, I had no idea how to spell tongue until right now when my spell check lit up the word with bright red squigglies.)

You should try a stare down with a creature at least once in your life, I promise, it’s pretty entertaining. You just might get a large chuckle out of it or have a new best friend.

DISCLAIMER: Never play the stare down game with a babe animal, YOU WILL LOSE.    

 Baby Sloth!!

Napoleon the Alpaca

Yesterday as I was happily strolling along in the sun downtown on my way to do a little..........ummmmm I can't say (*cough*shopping*cough*), I came across a new best friend. Meet Napoleon the Alpaca!!

We immediately locked eyes and it was love at first sight. I saw him from afar and thought, who is this amazing creature wearing the best flare I have ever seen on an alpaca (not like I have seen that many alpacas dressed up), but he was dressed to the nines and I loved it. His fur (wait, is that what alpaca's have, fur? or is it hair, or wool?) was so soft and perfectly groomed.

Napoleon is actually a therapy alpaca. He has a very important job where he visits schools, hospitals, senior communities, and rehab facilities helping people through tough times. I immediately asked if they needed volunteers, I mean, hello!! How fun would it be to dress up Napoleon and take him around town to help put smiles on peoples faces! I think the lady was a little scared of me though and hesitantly said yes they need volunteers sometimes. I have already sent an email on why I am the perfect volunteer for this job.

 

I later visited Napoleons Facebook page and discovered he has even more amazing, stylish and crazy outfits. You can even hire Napoleon to come to your theme party dressed up! I also later discovered while looking on the Mountain Peaks Therapy Llamas website that Napoleon got to shake hoofs and be personally dressed by Seth Aaron! For those of you who don't know who Seth Aaron is, he is a Project Runway WINNER and is from Vancouver, WA (only 7 minutes or so from downtown Portland). Napoleon was a "Mystery Model" in the DoveLewis fashion show. This little alpaca is only 3 years old and is more famous than me already, what gives. Oh yeah, he's pretty cute, I'll give him that.

 Hopefully me and my new bestie will get to see each other again soon and frolic through the daisy fields with our matching sequined vests and fanny packs on singing, "cuz we are beessssttttt friends!"! 

UPDATE: I failed to mention Napoleon also has a Twitter account, you can follow him @RojoTheLlama!!!

What To Do If Your Boss Annoys You

You all may be wondering what it is I do for a living. Well, I am now a professional blogger and I am in the process of starting my own unrelated business.

However, I too at one point in my life had a "boss". I have had tall bosses, short bosses, nice bosses and not so nice bosses.

After giving some well thought out advice to one of my friends about how to handle her "not so nice" boss, I thought our conversation would be very beneficial to all of you that are also dealing with a "not so nice" boss. 

DISCLAIMER: The following actions should be done with caution and the result of said actions are out of the course and scope of this blog.

• If your not so nice boss criticizes your writing abilities while huffing and puffing about how you can’t write, then you shall proceed with TYPING ALL CORRESPONDENCE TO YOUR BOSS IN UPPERCASE.

•  If your not so nice boss won’t stop constantly talking about The Lone Ranger at all hours of the day, then you shall proceed with buying this Annoy-a-tron and planting it under their desk or in one of their drawers and let the fun begin. A beep will go off at random times driving them insane and giving you sinful pleasure.  

• If your not so nice boss has you complete a project, and when you show him the finished result and it is completely false you shall proceed by asking stupid questions that you already know the answer too, over and over and over again.

• If your not so nice boss doesn’t understand what the concept of personal space you shall react by simply extending your right elbow, and when he gets about one foot in diameter, let your elbow snap and forcefully hit him in the balls.

• If your not so nice boss doesn’t understand that when he talks louder, that doesn’t make his jibberish any more clearer you shall proceed by whistling while you work.

• If your not so nice boss spits when he talks you shall react by saying “It’s against my religion.” anytime you’re told to do something you don’t want to do.

• If your not so nice boss blames everything on you, you shall proceed by spaming him. Sign him up to receive the following emails: Victoria Secrets, Kitchen Kaboodle, Grocery stores, Borders bookstore, your local Opera house, a furniture store, Lulus and more.

• If your not so nice boss calls you the wrong name constantly you shall react by signing his name as Mrs. Smith on any letters or emails you send out for him/her. 

• If your not so nice boss calls you his “secretary” when you are a manager you shall react by repeating everything your boss says right after he says it. For example, if your boss says, “Did you finish that report?” You would say, “Did I finish that report?” Then answer the question. 

• If your not so nice boss is constantly nagging you about showing up 60 second late you shall react by showing up really early, even before your boss gets there. Meet him at the door and say “Sheesh! I’ve been waiting for you to get here.”

•  If your not so nice boss speaks or writes notes to you in code and expects you to decode the letters and symbols you shall proceed by writing a note back in this code:

• If your not so nice boss tells you to do something unrelated to work and when you fall behind in this new task, he yells at you and tells you to “do your job” you shall react by changing your boss’s computer settings when they are away such as: change the mouse so the right clicker is the left clicker and vice versa, change their mouse speed to ubber slow, or if they have two monitors switch them around.

 Get creative while annoying your bosses and the pleasurable outcome will be higher and more enjoyable.

Don't Freeze

I suppose there are some nice things about winter. It's fun to cuddle under the blankets and watch movies all day long and ummmmm, that's pretty much all I got right now. I am a summer baby; I love the sun, I love swimming, I love wearing sun dresses, swimsuits and sandals and I love the beach. This time of year is always particularly hard for me knowing that soon my beloved sunshine will be gone until June of next year and I will be cooped up in my house until then.

If I do have to leave the comforts of my sweet pad, I am going to need some amazing coats to shield me from whatever weather might meet me outside. Below I have gathered some fun coats and jackets to keep the winter fun, funky and alive.

So after finding these fabulous fashion finds I guess winter can be fun. Keep warm.

I'm a Cowgirl!

Every September in Pendleton, Oregon hosts one of the largest Rodeos in the world, the Pendleton Round-Up. The rodeo includes bareback riding, calf roping, steer wrestling, barrel racing, steer roping, wild cow milking and more. It’s a place where you separate the men from the boys. Hundreds of cowboys get out there to show us what they got in the toughest sport on dirt. “Let’er Buck”!

This was my first year going and was pretty excited. Although we did not watch any of the above sports this time, we saw lots of real cowboys, cowgirls, BBQ, American flags, cowboy boots, cowboy hats and whiskey. 

Our group! 

The landscaping was not what I was expecting, but in a good way. The entire town and surrounding towns are full of rolling hills covered in wheat fields. It was a warm golden color everywhere you looked. 

One of my favorite parts of going to a Rodeo is dressing like a cowgirl. It is so fun to put on a hat and boots and a little dress and fake a little southern accent. Thanks to Ali’s awesome mom Mindi, I had two amazing pairs of boots to choose from which made it even more fun. She has some great style. I got stopped by everyone saying how much they loved the boots. (Sorry they are so dirty!)

We mostly hung out at the bars in "downtown" or in the Let'er Buck room, which is a bar under the bleachers inside the rodeo. Crazy things go down in this room, it has a reputation for some wild times. So much so that cameras are not allowed in. Use your imaginations.

A cool bar we hung out at downtown.

Overall my trip was simple yet great. I met some amazing new friends (see ya’ll there next year!), ate some great food, danced my cowboy boots off and slung some whisky like a true cowgirl.

No one said being a cowgirl was glamorous though. Ali and I slept in the back of her car and changed outfits in the back of her car. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise though because Sunday morning we had no tent to break down! Always nice to literally wake up and take off without having to pack a car up.

The drive home was beautiful. The entire drive is along the Columbia River where you see the landscape slowly turn from wheat fields and rolling golden hills as far as the eye can see to dark green huge mountains reaching into the sky.

Till next time Pendleton. Let’er Buck!

Thanks Ali for my first Pendleton Rodeo experience!